I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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