FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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