I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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