a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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