my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
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In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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