i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
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I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
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Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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