I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
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I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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