Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
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Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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