dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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