Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
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Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
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Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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