Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
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