dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
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apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
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I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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