god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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