I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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