We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
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So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
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Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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