dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
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He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
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I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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