If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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