i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
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as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
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The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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