I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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