I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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