You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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