I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
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I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
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What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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