you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
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Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
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Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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