Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize