there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want her autograph on my taint
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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