I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
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Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
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Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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