I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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