I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
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I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
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The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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