My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
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I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
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It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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