I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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