I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
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this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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