I want to stick my p in your. b.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
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My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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