God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize