What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
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This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
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Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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