I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize