Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize