gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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