my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
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He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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