My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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