I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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