i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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