Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
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What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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