youre lurking in front of me
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize