Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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