My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
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Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
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That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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