It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
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Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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