I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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