His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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