Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
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I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
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I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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