ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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